“So what is it like?” she asked me as we kneaded the pasta dough during our month-in-advance-scheduled cooking class at my B&B. I was giving the group of four a class on my Emilianese grandmother’s ravioli recipe. Lots of roasted veal, spinach and wine were involved. The kitchen smelled like heaven itself. But one of my guests wanted to know. “What’s it like to pick up and leave America and start this?”
The atmosphere of preparing food together in my kitchen always brings up interesting conversation. I choose my words carefully when people ask me about what it’s like to do what I do. First of all, I always have too much chaos going on in my mind. My first scrambled thoughts were:
Should I give it to her from the creative side?
Should I give it to her from the being-lost-in-a-foreign-culture-and-not-knowing-what-the-hell-was-going-on-for years side?
Or maybe it should be the vacationing-in-Italy-is-nothing-like-living-in-Italy side?
There was always the guest-make-all-the-backbreaking-work-worth-it side.…
My answer was simple. ”It ain’t boring,” I smiled as Nonna’s pasta rolled under the pads of my thumb. The truth is, this experience has smashed me, thrashed me, consumed me, frightened me to the point that I have, many times, been on my knees asking anyone who might be in charge to tell me why I had to put myself through this. And it’s helped me, shaped me, made me grow up and take responsibility for myself in ways that just weren’t required before.
Being an expat who has come to a relatively unknown place to start a business that relies heavily on other people knowing about it is, well, in retrospect, insane. Especially when you consider things like language. Culture. Snow that was not mentioned by the realtor. Mud that went unnoticed during the house hunting process. I did this with a partner who, for all intents and purposes, is a pretty positive guy but not a person I would describe as mechanically inclined.
There was an awful lot of flailing around in the water before we got our bearings. One of the most interesting things was that we, my husband and I, saw each other stripped of every conceivable part of the ego. It was like it was my soul and his soul and that’s all there was. The fears were palpable, but so were the soothing words to quell them. There were the frustrations and self-recriminations, but there were the moments of, “I know, I know” to help them pass. There were years of “how am I supposed to be creative when I don’t even know who I am anymore because nothing in my world feels remotely familiar or safe?” but there were also small, baby steps of moving forward and there was, as there always is, the kindness of strangers at critical, difficult moments.
And all of that while being surrounded by such stunning, unrelenting, untiring beauty that it’s just not even fair. Because what sniveling idiot can complain when this is your view?
For me, all of this has lead to a kind of creativity that is so raw, so basic and so real that sometimes it hurts to touch it. I writhe away from ego when confronted by it in others. I look for the spark of soul in everyone I meet. I feel like I have fought a war, inside of myself, for the right to lead a simple, creative life in a place which nurtured me and challenged me at the same time. I am less scared and more sure of what is important to me than I ever was.
So, what’s it like to pick up and leave America and do this? What did I need to know before I tried it?
I needed to know nothing. I learned everything I needed as I went along. Throwing myself into an ice cold pool of risk and reward will forced me to be dreadfully, blissfully honest with myself. I found out what I’m bad at. I found out what I’m good at. I found out what my limits are and I am learning, the hard way. to respect them.
So here we are, with a three room stylish B&B in a hill overlooking Italian wine country with a beautiful kitchen for cooking lessons, a pottery studio to make the breakfast plates and a wonderful wine cellar full of bottles from artisan Piemontese producers where guests can come and feel Italy from its warmest and most welcoming side. In an atmosphere created by us and no one else. A place where people can feel safe, where there is empathy and understanding and love. What it took to get here is in the past. My heart and soul are really learning to look forward and smile at what is.
Because what is is beautiful. And fleeting. As it always is.
Absolutely beautiful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dear Diana,
Whenever I may feel the need to access a story that goes deeper, I know by now that ‘all I have to do’ is turn to your insightful blog and read.
Thank you, my friend.
Thank you Kari, for telling me that. It’s lovely of you to say.
This Baur kid can really write. I will have to look for more of her pieces of work!
Rick, part of it is because I am being fueled by really good SWEETS. AHHHH! Gah. that stuff is good. Love to you and Carrie!!!
What a wonderful story to share. It’s interesting to see all the things that flashed through your mind. Sounds like it’s all worth it though, and that view is spectacular!
Thank you for commenting. Yeah, well, there’s a lot more where that came from!!! Expat life provides a rich soil for ideas and thoughts and growth, that is for sure.
All that matters is you are where you should be …. love ya …SS
You are so right, sweets.
Thank you for sharing this. You’ve managed to make me want to visit your B&B even more than I did before!
Beth, thank you for stopping by! Come on over!!! Sorry this took a day to approve, it got stuck in a queue and I just found it!
My dear Diana,
It’s like reading my own story but a year or so ahead. I wonder if mine will turn out as well?
I think I’d give it all up for that view – and the kitchen…. and the wine cellar!!!! Can I come visit?
You have a wonderful story and a great perspective. A great guide for me as I make my own way here in Maine. (Although it’s not technically a foreign country, the real Maine accent can sometimes seem like a foreign language.) Thanks for the bread crumbs…
cheers,
laurie
HAHA! Maine just about qualifies. Absolutely!! Come visit, Laurie, I have the sneaking suspicion within about ten minutes, you and I would be laughing and up to something in the kitchen or the woodshed. Ok, and maybe we’ll have to raid the wine cellar too!!!! Have a wonderful day, my friend.
I bet it’s more like five minutes…or less
“My heart and soul are really learning to look forward and smile at what is.” Lovely words, Diana. This was such a pleasure to read and ponder as I read. You have made a fairy tale life in a real world.
oh, Jane, thank you. It means so much coming from you. Speriamo sempre bene, é vero?
Well put. I’ve been wanting to comment on your previous post about your having tranquility this winter with no construction. What a blessing for you!!
It’s truly amazing that you’ve created this:
“So here we are, with a three room stylish B&B in a hill overlooking Italian wine country with a beautiful kitchen for cooking lessons, a pottery studio to make the breakfast plates and a wonderful wine cellar full of bottles from artisan Piemontese producers where guests can come and feel Italy from its warmest and most welcoming side. In an atmosphere created by us and no one else.”
Yes, I hope and believe so! Hugs to you.
I agree with Kim. That last paragraph took my breath away. Bravo. I can’t say I have your view–mine involves rats playing in the yard and belching buses on the road outside the gate, but the reply of “It ain’t boring” holds true for us as well. Four countries and two continents since leaving the US and it is still interesting-every single day. And no, it isn’t easy but sometimes there are moments that are magical and that makes it worthwhile!
Jill in China
HA! Oh, man. You are a brave one. A positive outlook, in the end, is a critical part of success in expat life.
This was definitely a timely read for me. My family is going through some very uncertain times, after going for broke to move to Germany. My husband just lost his job here, and we are trying to approach life as a giant adventure, with as little fear and as much creativity as possible. I know I will have my “looking back with awe and appreciation” moment somewhere down the line. In the meantime, we also have gorgeous views and many inspiring moments here. Thank you for sharing your journey!
Ariana, I did 9 years in Germany before coming to Italy. What you are going thru is VERY challenging and your attitude is right where it should be. I wish you luck. I hope your husband’s contact work out to find him something soon and you can get back to a little less “on the edge” feeling. Germany is beautiful. It can be tough too (like any country I suppose). My thoughts are with you.
I needed this TODAY! My eyes are wet & TODAY as I step into this journey alone BUT not alone your words wrap me in a comfort that the 3 brioches I just ate could not provide. Grazie mille! (Yes, eating 3 brioches in 1 sitting is a 1st for me & it feels terrible
)!
I hope you don’t feel alone. There are so many of us out here trying to do this and make it work. Have a good cry and I hope that tomorrow is a better day. A big hug.
I also agree with Kim. Beautifully said, Diana. Beautiful.
Grazie carissima Arlene. It helps here to have girlfriend contacts that are there at an email’s notice.
This is a beautiful piece of writing.
As an expat myself I am envious of your experience, I guess I need to stop moving. I am like a migratory bird, but instead of chasing the warmth of the sun, I am chasing jobs, security and dreams. In my 10 expat years, I’ve lived and worked in 5 different countries and the thing I hate the most is the almost constant saying goodbye – another colleague leaves tomorrow and another farewell is necessary. This is something I wish I had known about beforehand.
Whilst knowing grass (aka another person’s experience) always appears greener and each experience a person has is different from another’s IF I was asked that question today I would say the thing I needed to know is that however tough, lonely and difficult an expat life can be, whatever form it takes, there are always beautiful people to meet and friends to help you through. Thank you Diana for being one of them.
Yes, Sue but….. if you had known you might not have done it at all. The learning is the hard and grueling part because so much of it fels like suffering. Your nomad lifestyle has brought you many things, and other things have been left on the side of the road. When we look at our core needs as we get older, they might change, and we have to learn to respect them. (that’s a blog post formulating in the back of my brain…). Thank YOU Sue for being a beautiful, light talent in my life.
That is certainly one of my least favorite questions as an expat — how can you sum up your entire life in one sentence? “It ain’t boring” certainly does a great job…of course there are some people that question my insistence that I never get bored here. And yes, there’s a post in there too
How CAN it possibly be boring. I mean, seriously, I look at these Piemontese women – they are BUSY from the minute they get up to the minute they go to sleep and they are not processing ANY of the stuff I have going on in my brain. Italian life IS chore heavy, especially in the country. Yes, there is definitely a post there. Go for it girlfriend.
Beautiful! I love your answer “it ain’t boring”…ha! And also “vacationing-in-Italy-is-nothing-like-living-in-Italy side” – very well put
I love the view…keep living your adventure, it’s always worth it – with all the ups and downs
Hugs xo
HA. From a girl who knows. Grazie, cara. You do the same thing — keep living your adventure. With all the beauty you bring to those around you!!! Me included!!
Beautiful writing! As a college student mere months away from graduation, I find your words remarkably soothing. I, too, find myself venturing into unknown territory – or what I like to call “life as a real person” – without any real semblance of a plan and certainly no guidebook. Your writing, unlike all these “look I found a job, and you can too” success stories they throw at us in school, makes me feel comfortable with mistakes. And I mean that in the best possible way! Mistakes are inevitable, and your writing so wonderfully captures the beauty of catastrophe and the necessity of struggle. Thanks!
Ann, congratulations, your life awaits you
Thank you so much for coming by and reading. Part of me envies you, you have so much ahead and as long as you keep close to your intuition as you make your big decisions, things will work out EXACTLY as they should. A big hug as you finish your studies.
just lovely. stumbled into your words via a link on facebook that hooked me in with that question. what’s it like, indeed? i think you chose the words your nonna would approve of
you said everything that i feel. everything that i feel, over and over and over again as a serial expat. the difference is that you can stay. in a way that is a blessing. all these things that you have worked on and established and created yourselves. every two or three years we do it all over again, as a diplomatic family. somehow i’m still trying to reconcile it, more than 12 years in. kudos to you for finding the words. and for sharing. thanks.
Thank you, Melly. I so understand your perspective because so many of the expat people I have known over the last 16 years have been in your situation of having to pick up and move every so many years. It is very hard. All of those goodbyes, all of that packing and unpacking. (boy it does give you a different relationship with stuff, doesn’t it?) I understand your trying to reconcile it. The only constant is the one within whatever four walls you are living in. And that becomes very, very precious.
Very interesting and well-written post. You sum up all the challenges, terrors and delights of coming to live in a new land, but with very little whinging. My life as an expat in Spain sounds a lot simpler than yours, no guests to look after, although also hard work (I have two small children). I wish I could come and stay, it sounds (and looks) gorgeous! Thanks to Expat Expert for tweeting you.
Fiona, thank you so much for your comment. Oh, expat life is never easy…and with kids you have that other challenge that I don’t have. I used to marvel at my girlfriends who had kids when I was an expat in Germany — they would join the Krabbel-Gruppe (crawling group – like a play group) and try to fit themselves and their kids in to that new cultural necessity. Not always easy.
Thank you for your kind words.
PS I love yoru ceramics. They are gorgeous!
Grazie Mille, like everything else, they are a work in progress….
Diane, This is so powerful. We all wanted to know from the beginning – yes what is it like to pull up stakes and move to completely foreign culture? I find it not only fascinating, but exciting, and alluring and adventuresome. It makes me yearn for an adventure of my own! I do think you’re right though nothing can prepare you for doing something like this – it has to be learned along the way.
Thank you Angela! It really does have to be learned along the way. I often equate expat life with being in the position of the perennial student – every day brings a new lesson whether you’ve studied or not!! By having to cope with this one has to stay pliable and open, which can be, well, gulp, scary. But it has its advantages and at some point, you get (a bit) a head of the curve. I love your intuitive blog!!! Feel very drawn to what you have to say.
Such beautiful energy in this piece. Thank you for this.
Thank you for reading and commenting Mark. It’s very appreciated.
Ah yes, the truth that trips alongside those of us who’ve acted on a decision to do something different. Everything in this post feels so familiar and real to me that I smiled and nodded as I read it. Those people who look on, those who haven’t taken the plunge into the ice-cold pool of uncertainty, they’ll never truly understand. Not until they, too, act. It seems impossible for them to shed their preconceived ideas of what it’s really like. I’m with you – the whole balance of experiences is far greater than my life ever was before. I believe we’re kindred spirits. Thank you, Gee
That we are, Gee, for sure.
I take it as a lesson in patience to allow people who have not done the plunge in uncertainty to have their preconceived notions about it. I squandered a great deal of energy – a GREAT deal – trying to explain what I was going through. I have stopped that. Now I just look for the thread of strength with people who do understand and seek out the wisdom as I can so that I can be a source for those who really are interested in asking the questions. Does that make sense?
Perfect sense. Accepting that people are wherever they are on their journey and looking out for the spark of a connection with those who are in a similar sort of place along the way. Beautiful.
which means staying vulnerable to be able to see the spark. Warm warm wishes and hugs – thank you for this exchange.
Dear Diana,
What a beautiful read. Thank you for putting into words what all expats go through on this roller coaster of adventure.
Thank you, too, for answering so many of those same questions for me when I visited your gorgeous B&B, and was considering the leap myself. For that I will be eternally grateful!
All my best dear friend,
DeeAnne
Deeanne, in a world of no coincidences and serendipity, it still sort of takes my breath away how quickly after your “searching vacation” that expat life fell into place for you. It’s quite interesting to follow people that are open to the possibilities, and makes me feel grateful that I am actually one of them as well, because it gives me the gift of being able to meet up with kindred souls a long the way. Peace, my friend.
Absolutely true, all the challenges, frustrations and rewards of setting up house in a foreign country. You nailed it! And one of these days, we’re coming to visit you and compare notes.
Tara, my doors are so wide open. Grazie, cara.
Hi Diana – I am English, settled in Abruzzo for 3 years now, and running a holiday rental business with my husband consisting of 3 small villas for couples only. Just wanted to tell you how wonderful it was to read your piece ‘Italy and the tale of a creative expat.’ Oh the relief to know that it’s not just me who feels that way, and that I’m not the ungracious, ungrateful, dumb clod that I think I am when I admit to the difficulties I am STILL experiencing after all this time. Thank you, and for the inspiration too – you’ve made me feel that it’ll all turn out right in the end!
Pauline, a clod? You are an individual who has chosen a path which led to challenging yourself that few people even conceive of! I would say you are highly refined and willing to put yourself out there and you are SO not alone. And it IS all going to turn our alright. Thank you for stopping by and for commenting. Take GOOD care of yourself!!
I am so glad I found your blog. Your words are wonderful to read. Being a creative person as well I am struggling lately about where to go next with my life. I have thought a lot about wanting to visit Italy and I think I have found the perfect spot to visit. Now to work on my time line to get there with my husband!
I will be visiting often to read about your adventures and wise words!
Shelley, thank you so much for stopping by. Being creative, with all of its positive aspects, often means struggle/discontentment/looking further. It’s always a balance. I wish you well with your journey! If it leads to my door, I will welcome you with open arms.
Diana, Thanks for such a brilliant post, you really hit the spot on setting up house in a new country and facing the obstacles, frustrations and most importantly the rewards of a new life!
Hey, Adrian! Thank you for stopping by. I am sure you, like us, woke up to a little bit of snow out there this morning. Stay warm and cozy. We’ll have to get together very soon!
Thank you for your story. I am from Pennsylvania with family in Italy. I just spent 4 months in Italy. I loved it so much, I am applying for my Italian Citizenship. It is my intension to move to Italy and make it my home.
Patty, best of luck with your plans. Having family here to help you set up your base will help you. In bocca al lupo!!
I consider myself a very lucky person to have been able to experience this little piece of heaven that you and Micha have created. All your hard work is so evident in every single detail and in your warm and welcoming smile.
I think we’re the ones who are lucky
In fact I know it to be so. Janie, I hope that you are having a nice winter. I send much, much love to both of you.
Amazing post Diana. There’s so much to actually learn when we throw ourselves into the deep end instead of preparing everything that might go wrong.
Very true, Jonathan. We really do learn to tread water by simply holding our nose and doing a water bomb.
My favorite saying in German translates to: things always happen differently than you think. You just can’t plan for eventualities that you don’t even know will happen. It’s a huge lesson in resilience.
Dear Diana, a friend just got me connected with your blog. I am also a potter, now living in Rome where we have been for the past 3 years. When I read this, “how am I supposed to be creative when I don’t even know who I am anymore because nothing in my world feels remotely familiar or safe?” something in me felt this incredible validation, a sense that I am not crazy, because you have given voice to a feeling that I have been living with for a long time here. Thank you for this, for your words that make me feel like I am not alone and for the hope that you give me through your resilience, faith and docility to your inner wisdom. Thanks! Angela
Angela, thank you so much for your comment. Are you actively working in Rome? Please feel validated. Please. You are SO. NOT. ALONE. That sense of there being no solid ground under our feet is part and parcel to this experience that we are living. Remember that. Warmest wishes. I hope you can practice your (our) craft…
Beautiful writing! So glad I stumbled across this blog. I will be back and look forward to more inspirational tales. Thank you!
What a great post! We’ve been in the Cortona area for 7 years and I’m still finding myself and gaining back my creativity. I never thought that living our dream would also mean stripping me of all my self worth and make me doubt everything about myself while living in such a beautiful place with such a wonderful pace of life. I so identify with what you said and commend you for seeing it for what it is and finding the positive in it. It is wonderful but not an easy journey and certainly hard to describe the agony and ecstasy of it to others who see it as a fairy tale ending. Brava!
A stunning, remarkable essay, Diana. Whenever I think of my dream of finding a room in Scilla, where I visited years ago, a small voice in me panics– it’s all about feeling and being safe for me. This is honest and beautiful. xxxj
Hi Diana
I am Italian, from Abruzzo where I spent pretty much all my life, until one day with my husband we decided to leave everything back and move in UK where we have been living since 3 years now.
Just wanted to tell you how wonderful it was to read your piece and reading something like “I needed to know nothing. I learned everything I needed as I went along.” was such a relief.
You cannot imagine how hard it has been our relocation process. And I have to admit that difficulties have far away from be completely gone, especially now that we have decided to transform our lovely property into a self-catering holiday home in abruzzo for our UK friends.
That will be certainly another experience to learn from!
Hi Diana! Loved your essay.Your writing is effortless seeming and deeply evocative for me. So happy Paul and I met you and Micah. Your stellar reviews on Slow Travel and TripAdvisor reflect only about 10% of the pleasure guests will be able to tap into once in your able hands. Wish we were able to visit your B&B every year! Best wishes for another fabulous season! XO