Europeans.
It’s come to my attention over the last eighteen years that we Americans over here are viewed with careful bemusement. My hypothesis is that it stems from the multitudes of impressione that people from other countries get about us without having asked or really caring – from two rubbery all-beef patties to ridiculously large (they really are humongous) refrigerators to our compelling, obsessive, completely awkward need to know how everyone is.
Or at least our apparently awkward need to ask how everyone is. Because genuinely listening to how someone answers the question is not on the top of the European paradigm about how Americans really are. Americans, it seems, are friendly. Genuine? Not so much.
Two stories.
When I first moved to Germany and started to learn the language, I’d greet everyone I met with, “Hallo, wie geht’s?” Hi, how are you? This is expat lingo, this tossing out of a typically American question without wanting or expecting any kind of real response – and doing it in a foreign language. Germans really only greet people they know, and know pretty well, with the how are you question. Everyone else? They get a polite Guten Tag. Because, honestly, Germans are down with the fact that no one really wants to know how everyone else is. It’s too much information. And they’re ok with that.
My asking my American question in German would lead to all kinds of crazy conversations. Because guess what? Given the chance, Germans really will tell you how they really feel. Everything from their foot bunions to problems with their boss to when their next Urlaub to the sea in summer was taking place would come pouring out on the corner by Aldi in the pouring rain. Just because I asked.
Yes I did. But did I want to know? No. Not really. For me, transplant that I was, the only acceptable answer to the wie geht’s question was fine or eh (or so-so, or well…). As an American, if you get the eh answer, you have to make a choice – dig further or ignore by sighing, making a sad smile and looking away. Either is fine. But to ask the question and get the laundry list of an answer and then sometimes not even getting a wie geht’s back (because they are really and truly ok with not wanting to know your s–t) was at times disconcerting, at other times enough to make me want to jump into the North Sea and swim to England.
They’d ask how I was there, I was sure. They understand us, those Brits. And I’d answer FINE. And not a word more. Ever.
Story number two. After I had lived in Germany for maybe half a decade, I flew back to the states. Day two on the other side of the pond brings my bad readjustment day, where I’m all zingy and crunchy and can’t really speak after three in the afternoon because for me it’s after dinner time and I just want to go to bed. That’s when its the most important to stay awake, of course, and so on this particular trip I made myself walk to the Rite Aid in my home town of Milford to pick up one of those monstrous American bottles of hair conditioner that I can barely get my hand around and I know I’ll drop in the shower. On the way uptown (that’s what we call the main corner in Milford, it’s uptown, baby) , I walked by a half a dozen people or so, every one of them asking how I was.
Hihowyadoing
Hihowyadoinggreatdayisn’tit
Hi,how’sitgoing
Hey,howareyoufallisreallyherehuh?
I almost couldn’t breathe. I had lost, over five years, the ability to respond to what is really and truly the most basic non-question question in my own native culture! My mouth went slack, my eyes crazed, with something like “eehehehahagood” coming out with every person that walked by.
How am I? How am I? Well, one way I am is that I apparently now *suck* at saying hi in American, that’s for sure. I’m as cool with not wanting to know how anyone is as the entire Bundesrepubilik Deutschland. I look the same, but deep inside, I’m thinking, why is everyone asking me this damn question, and then not even taking a second’s pace off their stride to see if I’m going to answer?
Now that that’s clear and out of the way, let me ask you…
How are you, really?
I ask that with all of the intent of a good German friend who really wants to hear the answer, and all of the sparkly dazzle of an American for whom the words bubble out as naturally as gas ( you know what I mean).
Because I want to know. And because I want to know, I’m going to start by telling you how I am, so you understand how much I want to know how you really are.
I’m ready to start working the B&B at full capacity again starting on Friday. It’s fine, it’s what I do, but I won’t be able to write as much, and that makes me sad. Because I am loving writing this blog right now.
We’ve had 60 days straight with temperatures over 90 degrees Fahrenheit, and we are on drought watch. It feels eerie, it’s so dry. I hope we get rain soon, and that you do too, if you have not had any lately. I have never looked so forward to fall in my entire life, and fall is my favorite season – so this year I will be really ready to put on that first sweater.
I’m happy that my book Your Truth is out there in the world and that you who have read it have found it worthwhile. Thank you so much to everyone who has ordered it. I’ve learned so much about the process of self publishing by putting this one out there, and I’ll be working on a new ebook soon.
I am nervous, jittery, and adrenaline filled about the release of my new novel, True Vines, in October. I’ve been working on the final edits; it’s all polished up and gorgeous and now we’re working on finalizing the cover. It’s all very exciting but I need to stay calm and focused, because before that happens, I have lots of guests to take good, loving care of and that is my priority for the next seven weeks. But I really, really, really cannot believe that this book is almost out there. It’s crazy. Just crazy.
I’m mentoring a few select people through some momentous change and loving every minute of it. I’ll be writing more and more about coaching after the book comes out and I free up my energy for the new.
I’m preparing an upcoming interview with Tammy Strobel about her upcoming book You Can Buy Happiness and It’s Cheap: How One Woman Radically Simplified her Life and How You Can Too. I love Tammy. She’s frank, she’s fun, and she lives in just about the cutest teeny tiny house you have EVER seen.
So now, it’s your turn. How are you, really? How is the walk along your path? Tell us about it, let us know. Remember. Your path is what this blog is all about.
Hi Diana:
This is my first time reading your blog. However, I am currently reading your e-book, Your Path… and loving it. I came across it thanks to your friend and future editor, it seems, Michelle Fabio. I have been following Bleeding Espresso for the past few months and am so thankful to have seemingly stumbled upon both of your blogs. Of course, I know and remember (most of the time!) that there are no accidents and that when “we are ready” the tools, people, experiences are just “there”. Wow, I am impressed with your process and all that has shifted both internally and externally for you. It excites me and gives me more hope that one day I can do something like what you are doing. My husband and I live in Canada but we have a love affair with Italy and Austria and love taking our vacations to these spots, wandering around to the small less touristy spots. He is actually first generation Austrian and I am third generation Italian (Calabria). The pull is pretty strong for both of us to get out of the corporate rat race and live a simpler live. And, so of course I love reading about people like you and others who have done the work and are living the life. Your words help support and reassure me that I too could do something like this.
Thank you for sharing – I look forward to reading more in the days to come! Good luck with the publishing of your next book.
First, Kathleen, thank you for visiting my blog and a big thank you for reading my ebook. I support your thoughts and dreams. Italy is its most beautiful where it’s least toured. That’s for sure! I agree, timing is everything and knowing when to collect your marbles and try something new is a blessing. It’s never easy, change, but it is rewarding in ways we never, ever expect. Welcome to my blog and I hope to see you here again, Kathleen!
Found you through Marcus Sheridan’s blog.
I have the same issue as you with the how are you question.
Since you asked though…I have been better but have also been worse. I am at a point where I am trying to guide myself back to a better place. I have started exercising again and that makes a load of difference. I want to start writing again regularly, something that I have been neglecting recently.
Mostly, I want to try to find a way to appreciate every day.
Thanks for asking btw.
Susie, thank you for coming and visiting from my buddy Marcus’ blog. It’s lovely to have you over here! Exercise is so key – and it’s something that I have not been doing enough of. I use the heat as an excuse – it has been ridiculously hot for ridiculously long – but I need to get back to it. It makes EVERYTHING easier and hurdles don’t seem as daunting. I hope you start writing again soon. A little, every day, just for yourself. xo
How am I…really? Pretty darn good. I am just back from a week’s vacation in a cottage in the Adirondack Mountains which can make you feel part of the earth and a spec on it at the same time. I did what I most wanted to, spent it with my husband and new dog and loved every relaxing minute.
Back home now. Work – drat – no long leisurely moments reading and writing out in the clear fresh air during the day. It is piped in and the work is structured to someone’s goals other than mine. While it puts a roof over our heads and it is a job I like, it sure was nice to spend seven days without a care in the world. How I love to savor the sense of discovery and freedom created by being in the moment.
Thanks for asking. I hope your moments bring you pleasure.
Donna, a cottage in the Adirondacks? That sounds like heaven, pure and simple. Very happy you had a chance to have those moments for yourself xoxo.
I hope your work brings you to more moments of freedom. xo
Love your blog and your book is awesome! I had to learn how to highlight on my kindle so I could keep up w/the ah-ha passages. Looking forward to your novel!
Kathi, why thank you! How nice of you to say. I hope you have a wonderful week! xo
What a lovely question, when it is really meant
Thank you for asking, it is very kind of you. I am fine. I am happy that I can say this and mean it one hundred percent. I am fine.
I am proud of myself, for being fine after having passed through sexual abuse as a child by a very close relative. Proud for not letting this turn me into a mean person.
I am proud to see how far I have become and how I am designing a beautiful life for myself with my amazing husband and mother and sister. It took me countless years to be fine, lots of indescribable pains but now I have a big smile on my face most of the time and a feeling of quiet, calm, knowing strength somewhere deep inside me. And they’re here to stay
I started realizing who I am a few years back, finding my truth as you put it, and changed my whole life. I moved to a new country on my own, ran the desk of my country in the biggest shipping company in the world, met my husband, decided to leave the shipping giant and find my new profession..which I did, and it makes me happier every passing day.
I work, I think, I communicate, I listen and enjoy. I enjoy my life and I enjoy loving and being loved. I enjoy seeing a flower, looking at a vegetable, watching the sea or going to a bookstore. I enjoy being able to enjoy things.
I feel sad for many things going on in the world, in my country. I felt incredibly sad just a moment ago when I read that a reporter of my country, while translating Imagine’s lyrics on live TV during the Olympic games, purposefully did not translate “..and no religion too”. I felt scared.
So I believe that a happy person, a fine person, does not necessarily smile and feel happy all of the time. But I have found that no matter what happens outside of us, as long as we have that deep, calm strength inside, we’ll be fine.
Dear Diana, how will you handle all these long answers to your “How are you?”?
))
Many kisses, thank you for asking and thank you for telling us how you are.
Gonca, you are a beautiful, deep, shining soul. I love your depth and honesty in this answer. I’ve read it a few times to glean more and more. You are one of those people who can’t help but make her own path individual, and the lives of others richer. I send you a warm hug, my friend. xo
Honestly…you don’t want to know. But thanks for asking.
b
I did want to know!!! hahaha. Glad I found out, love.
It’s so funny that this post came to me today. I used to live in France, even though it was only for two years. But there is definitely a very different idea about how you interact with people you don’t know in America versus Europe as a whole. I remember when I first moved to Europe, I thought it was so odd that no one smiled at each other on the street, or gave me an oddly curious look when I did it. Being from the South, that’s pretty standard fair
But after living in Europe and returning to the States, I found it offputting to smile at people I didn’t know and have them smile back at me. It’s funny how things like this really just come down to conditioning.
Now that I’ve completely diverted from the question
I haven’t thought about it in years, as I’ve lived back Stateside for almost 10 years now. But it just hit me when you asked us REALLY how we are how really NOT comfortable I am answering that. I don’t know what that says about me… I guess it’s just so ingrained in us as Americans (living here, that is) that vague answers that have absolutely no meaning are completely acceptable, and false emotion is completely fine, as long as it maintains the status quo.
This is a really great post. Off I go to share!
Candace, haha, I think that every American who lives over here for awhile thinks about things that never would have crossed her mind had she stayed only in the states
I think that the hesitation we can feel when asked that question in an earnest way has a little to do with privacy. Our society has become so intrusive that giving up pieces of ourselves often feels like a violation. It’s a shame. I think that ancient cultures relied on people understanding their neighbors and friends, and helping them. Our culture relies on anonymity for sanity. I have felt this more and more as I’ve spent longer and longer in the Italian countryside. Here, you have to know what’s going on with your neighbors. They help you and you help them. Very different from urban or suburban life in the States. xo
What a lovely entry today. ‘ How I am’ is too complicated to explain, but I do appreciate the thoughtfulness of your question.
And it made me laugh to read your comments regarding American’s need to ask “how are you?” every time we say hello. For me, with very limited Italian, I find I do it in Italian because the multitude of text books/CD’s/self help books on learning the Italian language that I own (mostly to no avail) ALL have the phrase as part of beginning Italian~hence the need to say it in Italian.
I am looking forward to your e-book.
Deb, haha, probably because the books were written for “stranieri”
Thank you so much for coming and visiting xo
Thank you for asking “How are you?” As an American I’ve thought it strange myself that we ask everyone how they are and never wait for an answer. I’ve noticed it when people answer the “how are you?” with long winded responses. You think to yourself “sheesh, I just wanted to walk by and now I have to have a conversation.” Meanwhile, I brought it on myself never realizing there are people who take you at your word.
Along the same lines, I thought it was strange when I was in Paris that people stared at each other when walking down the street, face to face. It was unnerving to me. I live in New York were people pretty much don’t “eye” each other. Unless they can get away with it without you seeing them. Looking too long at someone can encourage a “whatyoulookingat?” response or a “whatthef**kyoulookingat?” response. Neither response is worth the staring.
When I’ve visited southern states like Texas I’ve noticed that people really like to make small talk. Everywhere you go people chat. The check out line, gassing up your car. It was nice at first, then after a few days when I was rushing about, it triggered my inner Cranky New Yorker. I wanted to fly through places without having to talk weather or what I bought on sale that day.
Growing up and living here most of my life has triggered this. When I have lived elsewhere, the crankiness subsides and you begin to live and converse with your neighbors. As Candace replied above, I too think it is just conditioning.
So, thanks for asking “How are you”. I am good. Better than I was last week at this time. Last Friday, I was wreaked with panic and sadness over my sister and mother. They are both dysfunctional and addicted to alcohol and prescription pills. The feelings were sinking me and I felt “out of control.” I finally allowed myself to feel this horrendous fear and look at it. I was tempted to distract myself with work or cleaning. I didn’t let myself get distracted. I wanted to feel this fear and live through it. The panic I was feeling would pass. It did. It took Saturday and most of Sunday to get through it.
I’m here, I’ve survived. I know that the next time I feel this way, I will get through it. I don’t have to find an escape or something else to focus on. It will leave eventually. I feel better and stronger for coming through to the other side. Thank you for asking.
Wow.
Denise, you understand quite a bit about the mechanics of fear to have handled it the way you did. Well done. In face when I read, “I was tempted to distract myself with work or cleaning” I thought, oops, there’s me…. You did good. Really, really good.
Yeah, so there is a girl with a “sometimes cranky inner New Yorker”(<-love her by the way) coping with fear a day at a time on this side of the ocean too, just so you know….:) xo
Dearest Diana,
thank you for asking and giving me that space to actually really tell you the truth. this year has been beyond trying in so many ways and I just got off the phone to book in with a psychologist. I don’t tell anyone, even if they did ask, I feel I am totally lost right now, yet my rational self tells me shake out of it. Nobody knows, other than a few extremely close people who are dealing with their own distress. I am usually an upbeat person, but you did ask! LOL sending love Lisa x
Hey Diana,
I (and several others too) “love ya!” Keep on with the path your treading, you’re doing really well, fine, actually. The book is fab and I (and several others) are delighted that you are doing this. Yep, I’ve gotto admit, its a bit of schadenfreude mixed with with empathy on my part…. Hope that it all continues well. Anthony O Neill