While I was writing True Vines, my first novel that’s due out in a few months, I cannot tell you how many moments I had that I thought, I cannot do this.
I cannot write a novel.
Who do I think I am to even try? I’m a upper middle aged jack-of-all-trades-master-of-none. My best years are past – they flew by while I tried to learn languages and adjust to newness, which seemed to be all the substance that my existence was made of. Adjusting. And now there I was, white MacBook at an odd angle jacked up on one leg, my neck sore, my pulse running, trying to capture what these characters, these flawed, beautiful characters were telling me to write.
Except that I wasn’t a writer, so why was I even bothering? Who would publish anything from someone who wasn’t even a writer? Sure, there’s my blog, my seven year attempt to unscramble what I had gotten myself into by buying the farm in Italy in the first place, and there were those two half finished books on floppy disk (remember those?) in a desk draw somewhere, but that’s different. Those things don’t make a writer, do they?
Sometimes I’d go into my studio and just bury my head and pound my fists. Cry. Scream.
Resist.
Until I succumbed and just did what I had to do. I told myself to:
Write.
Write without worrying about finding an agent.
Write without worrying about the agent finding the publisher.
Write without worrying about nobody buying it.
Write without worrying that a year of my life could be wasted in the futile attempt to say something I wasn’t even sure about saying.
Write without worrying about exposing too much of myself.
Write with one single purpose in mind:
To give voice to what’s inside.
I stopped convincing myself I wasn’t a writer (what is a writer, anyway, other than one who writes? Why worry about appearing to be something I already was? But that thought came later – much later).
When I’d feel the doubt, I’d say out loud, “Just write, damn it.”
And when I stopped resisting, characters appeared out of the mist, each with their own story to tell, with passion, with hopes for the others, wanting to explain, be understood, believed in.
Just like me.
Which is why I,never having pictured myself as a writer, much less a fiction writer, love writing fiction. To explain why people are the way they are when put in the circumstance they are in.
Because we all want to be understood, loved, believed in for who we are. We’re all vulnerable souls wrapped up in egotistical shells. It’s all any of us are. And we each have stories – stories upon stories – to tell.
And then, amazing miracles started to happen. A good friend became my editor. My editor became a partner in a wonderful, indie publishing company. My book was accepted by the publishing company. All of that without sending one single query letter, without dealing with one moment of rejection, and without an agent. This just doesn’t happen in today’s cut throat, impossible to get a handle on, rapidly changing publishing world.
But it’s happened to me. But for it to have happened at all, I had to stop resisting. Stop thinking it couldn’t happen. Stop thinking that my lack of educational credentials in English Literature obliterated my practical and professional linguistic experience. Stop thinking that others know more than I do. Stop thinking that no one would be interested in hearing my voice. Stop self sabotaging.
And I learned to accept that I am a writer. It’s a part of who I am. It’s a fundamental aspect of my work.
For help finding your work and your passion, consider my ebook, Your Truth, which I wrote as a result of all that happened to me over the past 19 years of learning. I wrote it after finishing True Vines. My express purpose in writing Your Truth was to explain how to reset the resistance, how to access your own energy and minimize the voices from outside of yourself that cause the second guessing. Your Truth grew from True Vines, which is another reason that I am deeply grateful that I put the time in and wrote the first book – it’s the continuous source of so much goodness for me.
A couple of blog posts ago, I wrote about marketing strategies for entrepreneurs and offered three free copies of the ebook for your best marketing ideas. No one shared any! I was surprised, but then when I thought deeper, maybe I should approach it from another direction…
Give me, in the comments, the thing that stops you from doing what you have to on the path to your work. Where do you hit your resistance? What does it feel like? I’ll give three copies of Your Truth for Kindle or in PDF form away for your honesty.
In addition, I’ll still give books away for your marketing ideas on the other post!
Wonderful post.
I have gone through those stages too. As a result I self published my first book of short stories http://www.amazon.com/dp/B008OKBBKG and have already written the first 25k words of my novel.
It took me more than 10 years to realize that whether I sell my books or not, whether my blog readers are only 10 or 10,000 – I am a writer. Maybe I have not reached the pretty place you are in now, but I am getting there – slowly, step by step, but with no resitance anymore…
Ani, that’s wonderful. You have a huge chunk of the process behind you. Stay with it, you’ll get there. It can be tough at times but you know you are following the course you should be on. Best wishes to you <3
Excellent advice – we spend a lot of time convincing ourselves we can’t do something until we somehow get external validation or permission from someone that we’re good enough now to be or become that thing.
Write away. I’m writing too. In spite of all my own objections.
I’m doing it in the best way I know how – by making it a habit (like exercising, like taking photographs) so that I can look back as a future me and say, you’re right, I am a writer….look what I’ve done!
Yep, Sara, it’s a muscle. Practice does another thing — it helps you get so into your content that you NEED to write every day to sort it out. I’ll read anything you put out there. xo
Oh this is so inspiring – I just needed to read this at this very moment in my life – thank you. Self-doubt can be so crippling – and I find every excuse to avoid it! But the need to express myself is out-weighing this more and more. I find that the more I write the more I have the need to write. I also find that photography inspires me to write. I can’t wait to get home and download the photos and write about them. I love putting the whole story together.
Frances, having your own set of techniques to cue the muse is perfect. I often write blog posts in that manner, around a photo, it’s how I can get the juices flowing. Keep with it, Frances!
Hey, I have 2 or 3 unfinished novels and a manuscript of mountaineer’s interviews … and the million excuses on why I haven’t finished them. The thing that stops me … people. Me wanting to help everyone but myself. Porous boundaries. A terrible desire to please. Probably ‘the usual’ really.
Anyway, this came today. I thought you might enjoy it: http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/books/2012/08/everything-is-fiction.html
Yes, because porous boundaries steal all our time. If we firm them up and focus, and learn to say no when it’s absolutely essential for us to, we gain TIME. It’s a huge benefit to steeling ourselves. It really is.
I didn’t know you wrote. I just wrote that little fact down in my book… xo
Di I mean novels. Of course I know you are a blogger. And a master of the short form. I am very interested in what your novel topics are, though…
I’m trying my best not to be discouraged regarding my writing career. It’s not easy to tune out those negative voices.
But this latest round in Hollywood has really knocked me down and it will take a minute to get back up.
I will read your beautifully written post again and again for inspiration.
You’re not allowed to quit. Not with all of those great characters and their fantastic narratives going around in your brain, girlfriend. Hollywood – ugh. I know. But don’t stop, it’s a big chunk of who you are. Keep writing, for yourself, for us.
my challenge has been to define my work. I’ve never had a problem getting new clients for my business, and it’s almost been eerie at times, where I’ll think okay I can handle one or two more and boom, there they are. But I’ve learned that having lots of clients isn’t success for me. I get overworked and other areas of my life suffer. If I’m working a lot, I don’t have time to go to yoga, which I need for my sanity. I don’t have time to shop for and cook healthy food. Other people pick my kids up from school and hear about their day. So my work at this stage is to try to maintain balance – build a business that I can currently handle, growing at a pace I can sanely deal with; be there for my kids while they are still at an age where they want to run into my arms and tell me about their day; teach them what healthy food and eating habits are, and maintain that balanced. It’s really easy to lose sight of the overall balance and get sucked into one thing or another, and it’s hard to say no to fabulous opportunities sometimes.
Yes, it’s another part of boundaries. finding out how to control our work to maintain balance in other areas — tough to do ESPECIALLY when we are doing work we love, because we can find a million excuses to keep doing it. It’s so important to be able to close the door to the office in the brain and walk away, get refreshed — important for the business and for our lives. xo
Thank you. Like the others who have commented – this came at a perfect time for me and I will read it over and over.
I have always said that what I really want to do is to write. But I put it off for someday “out there” when I won’t have so many other demands. When I do take the time to write it provides release and relief equal to what a day alone in the mountains gives me. The pleasure of writing seems a selfish one, so I put it off until I am retired, or on vacation, or..or..or.
I happen to have a few evenings all alone this week. I will spend them writing.
Blessings-
Laura, anything that makes you feel balanced and whole is NEVER EVER selfish. Never. Ever.
Never.
Because it helps us to be happy, adjusted people for those around us. And they deserve that from us. So please. Go write. As much as you can, as much as you want.
what stops me? Myself. The idea that I need to be qualified first, have a career, be(come) recognized…and all that shite…rather than concentrating on doing it and having fun. I am going to read your book…as the post spoke to my heart.
Doing part-time teaching and else following my heart…playing with the kids from the asylum home next door – bringing them chalks and googley eyes to stick around the house.
Sooo looking forward to it.
Love, and thank you,
Irena
Irena, we do put a lot of stipulations on our own happiness, don’t we? We decide what we want, and then decide we can’t be that for whatever reason. But if we take away the judgement, and just let the energy flow towards what we want — without any stipulations– what can be the result? Amazing things, I think…
Diana, thank you for writing this post. I (especially recently) have always felt compelled to write. Over the past year and a bit, I’ve been keeping up my Italy-themed blog to get in the habit of writing, and to suss out whether people like my writing style and what I choose to write about. I’ve always wanted to write a novel, and the experiences you related in this post will help me push through my own personal doubts in order to finish that novel. I need to just write, freely and uninhibited, and see what comes of it. Thank you for sharing your experiences and advice!
Sarah (what a beautiful last name you have!!!) ,
write write write. Then write some more. Move with you spirit and soul and let it all out. Then let it sit and go back to it. What’s there? Whatever it is, it’s yours. Love it — by that I mean, clean it up and smooth it out.
Watch it get all polished up and pretty. Then choose. Is it the right way for you to go? If yes, keep doing it. Thank you so much for your words here. xo
Diana, I write for a living, albeit not in the form I had always envisioned my writing taking. I’ve started several novels but have never finished a full length work of fiction. I have finished a novella of prose poems but never sent it out. I’m pretty sure fear of failure (or maybe fear of flying!) has held me back.
Thank you for your inspiring post; it was just what I needed to hear right now. I need to let these stories out for me–and no one else. If others find and enjoy them, all the better. But the writing flows from the writer’s core of being, and that is as it must be. And so I will write the story and see where it goes. Thank you.
Sharron
Sharron, what’s the worst that could happen? The worst is that those prose poems stay with a small group of family and friends who love you and your work. The best that could happen? That you gain fortune and prosperity in however you define those things with your writing. You could land somewhere in between with a comfortable place from which to keep writing.
So move forward with your work, Sharron. Putting it out there is part of what creative people do. Much love, and thank you for stopping by. xo
Hi Diana,
I loved your post. Somehow I missed this one earlier this week and woke up this morning to your wonderful words in the ” My guru rejected me” post. I’m so glad I read them because for the last few weeks I’ve been really down on myself for not feeling like I was worthy enough to “write”. I see so many amazing people pouring out such great info and profound thoughts onto a blog, book or lecture and frankly it’s INTIMIDATING. What if I start a blog and no one wants to read it? What if no one gets me? Maybe I should do a book instead….but what if I get tired of it half way through? That would be another disappointing item to add to my long list of things I wanted to do and never finished. My writing skills are grim, my grammar and punctuation is just shameful to say the least. I stay awake at night sometimes with so many ideas in my head but in the morning fear of rejection and dread of disappointing my future readers sets in. Can you believe that?! Fear involving my future readers!!!! I constantly stop myself before I even get started. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. I really needed to hear a great creator, a true artist like you tell us, me, that you are too afraid of so many of the same things. That what we feel and write is always okay as long as we are okay with it. I hope that when I say this, the words resonate loudly throughout the world (to keep me accountable of course), “I choose to no longer believe in the existence of gurus but that every person is a guru in their own right and should be respected as such”. Yes, people can take it or leave it. Thank you Diana. You don’t know how profoundly these last 2 posts have affected me with such a positive impact. Would love to meet you in person some day!
Andreana, I would like my editor (the first one I ever worked with closely) to come on here with a list of all the grammar issues that I had when she started working on my stuff. Grammar and punctuation are a muscle, Adreana, one that can be developed and honed. Trust me on that. I was an English teacher for years and I still didn’t really grasp exacting grammar and punctuation that professional writing requires. You can learn it.
And as far as putting the Cart of Fear in front of the Horse of Trying – I want to tell you. It is possible to live next to your fear and not let it control your behavior. You can be afraid and still write. At first it’s SO HARD. But if you keep it up and just do it — a half hour a day, say — after a couple of weeks you will notice less fear being attached to the process. Why? Because fear, Andreana is not reality. There is a huge gap between the fears and reality. And when you move forward step by step, even though you feel afraid, you find that your feet are not slaves to your fear. Your hands are not slaves to your fear. Your heart and your soul are not slaves to your fear. And your fear stops feeding on the fact that it’s controlling your behavior. Fear FEEDS on cowering and self doubt. Fear STARVES when we admit it’s there but we do what we have to do anyway.
Trust me. I know this. Thank you for your trust with this comment. You show your beautiful humanity and vulnerability in your words. I can feel it. You know what that means? It means you can write, Andreana. That’s what it means.
Great piece! Thank you for sharing it with your readers. It came at the perfect time. As I am looking for a new job, I have had my share of rejections. Not a great feeling, but you learn from them and take them as stepping stones for something bigger and better that is really meant for you. The key is never stop believing in yourself. Always follow your heart, not other people’s agendas.
I am not a writer, but I have gone through life changing experiences that had made me gone back to my roots in search for a simpler better life. Can’t wait to read your book.
Always follow your heart, not other people’s agendas.
I want this t-shirt, Hannah
Truer words have never been spoken or written. Getting to hear our hearts — and listen to our own inner voice — requires keeping external voices at an appropriate volume. What’s appropriate? Never louder than our own voice. Never, ever, ever.
I can feel in your words that you have gone through life change and I applaud you. thank you so much for coming by and sharing here. xo
Yes, yes, yes. Yes to all. And a big hearty congratulations to you for just doing it (!!!) and continuing on your path of self-discovery.
My biggest hurdle is fatigue. After working full-time at my “feed the mouth but not really the soul” job, I’m so mentally and physically exhausted. I feel as though there are waves crashing against me as I trudge on through the work day, through my exercise routine, through making dinner, and they take with them all my creative energies when they recede away.
Yes. And with fatigue it’s what came first, the chicken or the egg? Am I not following my path because of the fatigue, or do I have the fatigue because I’m not following my path? I have fought fatigue the majority of my adult life. It’s just the PITS. I so empathize with you. Do you have any pockets of time that you’re giving over to tasks that you could conceivably say no to? Is it easy for you to say no to people who want stuff from you? Or is it really hard, especially when you’re exhausted, to stand up for yourself? It’s just a question. You don’t have to answer here, but I know I capitulate too easily when I’m fatigued. And that’s one of the first things I had to stop doing to take my time and my life back. A lot of people didn’t like it, but it was my first baby step to reclaiming my life years back.
I wish there were an easy answer to this, because I would bottle it up and ship it to you today special delivery, Megan. Trying to create when you are super tired is like trying to jog on a beach of mashed potatoes.
I wish you (good, high quality) rest and a strong NO to any and all commitments that put you over the edge. That’s it for now. You get those two things, creativity will come. I know that for sure.
Resistance is fear, a big vague fear–that you can’t do what you want so much to do, but also that you might be able to can but that you won’t-won’t put in the time, the passion, the focus, the energy and won’t say no to all those things that are so much easier to do, like reading what others have written.
What does resistance feel like? Like walking through molasses, or rather writing through molasses. It feels like the last phrase you wrote is quite the very worst sequence of words ever strung together. And like there is a huge rock wall between what you feel and what you think and what you actually say.
Resistance feels like you are going to die before you accomplish what you thought,and hope, you would have accomplished twenty years ago.
Resistance feels like tomorrow. Tomorrow I’ll start. Tomorrow I will . . . .