ceramics may be what I do, but who I am is something different
When I moved from the states to Germany eighteen years ago, I left behind my career. Since we are talking prehistoric times, there was no internet to jump into, no blogs with which to soften the blow of culture shock, no way to build an alternative income using Skype, Facebook and Twitter. There was me, my telephone, my cat, and more rain than I had ever seen in my life. And a husband who worked sixteen hours a day.
I had always thought that Germany had a similar culture to the United States, and that integrating would be easy. I was a friendly girl. Ok, I didn’t speak the language, but Germans spoke English, right? I’d find something to do. I was sure of it.
Six months into it, crying to the point of heaving curled up in a ball at the bottom of the shower, I realized that Germany might as well have been Mars. Nothing was like I thought it would be. I struggled with language lessons, with making friends, with the horrifically grey weather, with realizing that every single way I had defined myself before the flight that brought me over was now null and void. Forget business person. Forget executive. Forget smart, funny, and most of all, forget successful. I had been reduced a fountain of endless complaining who couldn’t even ask for chicken legs at the butcher’s without a lump in her throat. I couldn’t make my own money, use my well-honed ability to communicate, understand or accept the cool indifference of the northern Germans who made integrating a near impossibility for this friendly American.
Something had to give, or I wasn’t going to make it. With phone bills in the hundreds and the aching desire to go back to who I was before (coupled with the stinging knowledge that that wasn’t going to happen), I had all I could do to pick myself up and trudge through each day, sad and confused, out of my element, with an arsenal of qualities and abilities that just didn’t mean a damn in this new place.
At some point I got sick of myself. Here I’d been given this chance to live in a new country, learn a new language, all while having a partner with a great job, and I couldn’t even scrape myself off of the shower floor long enough to see even the most remotely positive thing about it. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that the reason I couldn’t accept my new life was because I had defined myself by what I did, and not by who I was.
What I did before was a job. But I was not my job. What I did before was make money. But I was not just an income producer. What I did before was feed my ego. But I was not just ego.
If I was going to move forward, I was going to have to find other ways to define myself other than the job related successes I had had prior to this life changing experience.
But if I wasn’t what I had done before, then who was I?
I was a communicator. So I buckled down to a year of intensive German lessons, five days a week, three hours a day.
I was a lover of language. So I took on a job teaching my own beloved English language to Germans.
I was knowledgable in American business practice. So I started coaching German executives on American English presentation skills.
I was creative. So I started taking ceramics courses.
The evolution from lost child mourning what was never to be again to a functioning person in a brand new environment was not easy, but it was essential to survival. I learned some valuable kernels along the way:
Our arsenal is huge - but we have to be able to see exactly what our arsenal is by pulling away the ego’s accomplishments and fostering the abilities that have gotten us where we are.
We are not what we do - but what we do is facilitated by who we are, and those are the essential qualities we need to harness to move forward.
Our spiritual backpacks are filled with our collected experiences and abilities. To survive change, we need to spill those building blocks of experiences and abilities on the floor, look at each, and re-pack them in our backpacks in an order that makes them lighter to carry, easier to call forward, and more accessible in our new life situation.
Has change made you rethink yourself professionally? How do you define yourself now as a result of change? I’d love to hear from you.
My latest ebook, Your Truth: Changing the Path Back to Yourself is available on Amazon!
Great article and great advice! It took long enough, but I have finally realized that my job does not define me – although we are so conditioned to think in those terms! You don’t have to move to a different country to be in the state you were in – I moved back to my home town after 30 years and it was as if I were on foreign soil. Still trying to assimilate after all these years – but the realization of my strengths helped me put together the puzzle that was left undone. It’s a great feeling to be back to whole!
Marie, isn’t it great when we get to put the pieces together for ourselves and define our own lives? So happy that you’ve had this chance, and faced your challenges head on.
How I identify with these truths. What a struggle it was to redefine myself in Umbria 45 years ago! Beautiful essay, my bella Diana, as usual! Hugs.
Mary, lots of love right back to you. Save me some olive oil!!!! I’ll write you an email shortly.
So true. After a busy and full life that moment of giving up a career is traumatic enough even without changing countries. If I am no longer a (…..) then who am I?
Shortly before my move to Italy from New Zealand I did change careers, and that was the most difficult thing to accept; for many years I had defined my own worth as a person by how much I helped others.
When I did jump countries (alone and without the language) people said “you are so brave”. In fact it was not a brave thing to do at all, it felt right. By then I had come to terms with being a “human being” instead of a “human doing”. It’s not an easy transition.
My mid-life thesis title (before all this transition) was “Unlocked; The Search for a Resilient Self in an Ambivalent World”. This perhaps self-indulgent study took me to a place where I could make bigger changes. http://kayscott-artist.com/Unlocked.html But the road is not a short one, and the end is never quite in sight
Lately I have been pondering about the point of my own blogging, which has been a little half-hearted recently. But occasionally, when the going is tough (a single not-so-young woman in lower Lazio) I look back through my (personal) blog, read between the lines, and see how far I have come.
However, enough about me! I have enjoyed following your blog, and really look forward to all those “Ah yes, that’s so true” and “Ah ha! So that’s what I should have done!” moments when I can get a copy of your book (no kindle, I am afraid! Penniless artist and still studying Italian and all of that…)
I love the style that you have used for this blog post – particularly the images you create (thinking of the shower one here…) Thanks for the great reading! All my very best wishes for your book sales too.
Kay, thank you so much for writing and sharing your story. I know exactly what you mean. You are resilient, Kay, and keep blogging, if only to have that record for yourself and the people you love to go back to and see the amazing developments you have made. It’s fantastic.
A note about kindle— you can download a kindle app directly onto your computer for free from amazon. It enables you to read all kindle books that way. I have one my computer, and I use it for just about every book I get. There’s no need to buy a kindle for any other reason than convenience. You can do the same with Barnes and Noble Nook as well.
My circumstances were quite different. My husband had the career that involved moving almost annually for a while, then every few years. I was a young mother and desperately trying to find a place, any place, to be my own person. It led to an assortment of jobs but never a career. The whole time denying my art.
I’ve had many moments huddled in the shower as you describe. Now I look back and think how much further along I could be with my art and writing if I had only recognized the gifts I was given.
Then I stop and ease up on myself because I know I wasn’t ready back then. All things come in good time. Circumstances never define us but getting through the rough times make honoring the gifts so much sweeter, don’t you think?
Great post and nice new digs Diana!
b
Barbara, that’s a similar track to what happened to us. We moved every couple of years until we moved to Italy. And it takes its toll, doesn’t it. I remember seeing my life as an analogy to all of the curtains I owned. Lots of pretty colors, but none of them ever fit the new house…, and that over and over again.
You’re right — it’s all for a reason and getting to shed skins on a regular basis has its advantages as well as its difficulties. Lots of love to your creative self in Philly, Barbara!
I, like you, moved to France years ago. Luckily, I did speak the language, although not fluently. Being from the South where it’s really easy to make friends to a small town in the Alps wasn’t easy. I felt totally alone for the first couple of weeks, until I decided to get out there, because you can’t meet people sitting at home
Change has absolutely made me have to rethink myself professionally several times. I was out of work for over a year when the economy first collapsed back in 2009, and that was really hard. Being single with no pets (at the time) & living somewhere that I loved but was hard to make friends, my career was literally my entire life. So when I didn’t have that, I didn’t know what to do.
Of course out of that, came the desire to do SOMETHING, so I started my own company. And while I no longer run that particular business anymore, I learned alot about myself and about how important it is to not give up and put yourself out there and at least try.
In the last year I also moved from Seattle, a large city with alot of opportunities, back to my hometown in Tennessee (it’s about 1/10th the size of Seattle). It’s a whole different world here, and having lived in Seattle for almost 10 yrs, I’m having to relearn how to live in it. This also means relearning how I work. I’m finally leveling out from the growing pains after almost 9 months here, and it will be a good thing in the end.
It will be good, Candace, because you’re doing the adjusting and growing. You’re using your particular abilities to make the most out of the new situation, which is what you need to be doing. These head dives into new situations have given you perspectives that others simply can’t have. Thank you so much for sharing your story, Candace.
“Our spiritual backpacks are filled with our collected experiences and abilities. To survive change, we need to spill those building blocks of experiences and abilities on the floor, look at each, and re-pack them in our backpacks in an order that makes them lighter to carry, easier to call forward, and more accessible in our new life situation.” ~~~~~~~~
Diana, your words always bring me home again to me when i have been out travelling about seeing who else i might become. Getting ready for a solo gallery show has made me stop in my tracks and question. WHAT am i trying to say, to do, to be? After reading the above my first reaction was “Oh goodie! I need to go buy a new fun BACKPACK to put all my rearranged self back into!!” Ever the lover of containers and reforming spirituality! KUDOS!! thanks for being in my email today!
Joanna, oh — a solo gallery show! I know, so much pressure to have a single statement, even when you speak in so many creative languages with your ceramics!!! I know. But it’s such a wonderful creative experience, and I support you 100%, wishing you a lightness of being when it all comes to together as something beautifully, extraordinarily, and amazingly yours. And once you get there, your path beyond the show will be clearer for you. I am sure of that, Joanna. xo
I so relate!
It’s been a decades journey of redefining and letting go, for me. Years ago if you asked me who I was, I would say, “an actress.” first thing out of my mouth. After 9/11 I started pulling away from it, creating art to express my pain/frustration and hope for a new way. For so long I still had one foot in that acting door, yet I had started moving in other directions … Finally, I’ve let go. It’s scary but a relief. I wrote my agents after a doctors appointment June 1st, thanking them for the almost 20 years of support but that it’s time to let go and let new doors open. (sometimes it takes a kick in backside)
3 years ago after being sick, I knew this would happen, I knew I was done (the acting thing) but I held on by a toe, just in case I could get get back on the SAG insurance or hit pay-dirt. But it’s not who I am anymore and as you put it, it was never “who” I was. It was what I did. I knew it but I hadn’t cut the cord, until now. It’s kind of scary but I’ve done what I was afraid of in the past and I am still here, I didn’t get swallowed into the abyss. So … onward!!
Thank you for sharing your stories of going outside your comfort zone, of looking for your inner “true” gifts … It is always so inspiring. (even while on Percocet, after last week’s adventure!)
Thanks for this post, my friend. Perfect timing.
Hugs and love,
Lucinda
P.s. hope that made some sense!
Lucinda, you are so brave, my friend. Such a beautiful, brave light. It makes perfect sense to me, and I understand exactly what you mean. Taking these types of decisions for yourself are tough — because they mean letting go of a paradigm. And letting go of paradigms means letting go of a way of looking at things that maybe doesn’t fit into our lives anymore. I am sure that having this surgery behind you and SAG in the past will open up new energy and pathways for you to travel, without being chained to the past. I send you love and light always, Lucinda.
Diana, your post spoke to my soul.
Thank you for your blog and bless you for sharing your experience so beautifully, bravely, and honestly.
When I lost my career several years ago – which I defined myself by – I also lost my sense of self-worth, and any clear notion of who I was. I felt so lost and alone. It has taken several years for me to redefine my sense of self, focusing on the arsenal of gifts as you so beautifully wrote, rather than solely appraising my personal value on career success. It has been a tough journey, but a cleansing one.
The funny thing is, that I now realize the truth was always waiting for me to discover, but it took the utter shattering of who I thought I was to find the real me. Careers/jobs come and go, but the true essence of who we are…those gifts…are the true treasures I hope all of us discover and define ourselves by.
God Bless You
minky, thank you so much for your amazing words. We live in such a results-judging world, where we’re expected to rattle off our accomplishments rather than our attributes when we’re at some dinner party somewhere. At some point, it becomes impossible to do. The shattering, minky, has horrific and mind blowing and terrifying as it is, is the gift that changes all of that. We are not our accomplishments. Our accomplishments are simply an outgrowth of our attributes. And our attributes are those things we need to foster – not because they are the key to our accomplishments, but because they are the key to our being soulfully content. I wish you light and joy, minky.
Diana,
I subscribed to your blog newsletter a few months ago because I love Italy and the region you’re in and something about the way you write just pulled me in.
Now, after reading this post about your beginning Expat Days, I see that all that you’ve described is how I felt 22 years ago upon coming to France and leaving my career, family, friends, belongings, cat ….2 times in 4 years!
I now have 2 beautiful, bi-lingual older teens and although it was hard, very hard since I didn’t have much in-law support, I certainly don’t regret my journey.
Thanks for the “memories”, I love your new format.
Alysen, Ile-de-France, France
Alysen, what amazing things you have done. You have really put yourself out there and created out of an extremely difficult situation. Raising two children (YAY BILINGUAL) while feeling utterly alone and challenged on every front proved that you can put the interests of others in front of your own — and that for years, if necessary. I am in awe of this, really. People tend to romanticize this kind of experience that you write about but when I read it I get a dull sense in my gut. I know how hard it is. Well, now you are at a point where you’ll be able to take this mighty arsenal that you’ve amassed – and do whatever it is you feel is right for you. Because after what you have done, you can do anything.
Beautiful, creative Diana…
Are you ever speaking to the choir! Moving to Israel 3 years ago shook my sense of self to the core. Although I’m used to not having people question me about my thoughts, my work, etc (even in the States), it was dramatic in Israel. The ONLY question I was ever asked is why I came to Israel. When I answered with ‘because my children live here’, that was the end of the conversation.
Although I appear extroverted, I am actually quite shy and rarely talk about what I’ve done/accomplished professionally. I tend to focus on others. As a child I moved around a lot so I’m used to being in that position. That skill coupled with real curiosity about human nature has proven extremely useful.
I have done a lot of spiritual and creativity work on myself for decades and had recently graduated from seminary school when I moved to Israel. Seeing how lousy I felt about not being known was a sign that my ego was very much intact. My life as a community activist, gardener, author, designer,and broadcaster was over in this part of the world. I was forced to become ‘anonymous’ on my ‘external/ego’ piece. It has pushed me to do more work on the ‘real self’.
Becoming invisible was difficult. But I have made a lot of changes using my ministry in ways I never expected. Gardening, and collaborating with others on projects,has also taken a different shape….and is beginning to bloom in arenas that could prove very exciting..
I am in the process and am actually trying to find different types of community projects locally that are more to my ‘calling’. It feels more compelling to go to Cambodia to help the plight of young women (which I’m doing this year), then to do that type of work here. …which is very telling.
Your story is inspirational and is a great reminder to me that I need to take more leaps emotionally where I now live in order to ensconce myself in this society. With gratitude….xxoo-Fran
Oh, Fran.
You are one of the sweetest, most talented ( and humble ) people that I know. It does not surprise me at all that you are off to Cambodia (part of me wants to be sitting next to you on that plane). My story is inspirational? huh. I’m thinking, between you and the others that have left comments here, my story is just a catalyst so that I could receive the energy and light of all of these incredible comments. I grasp onto your story with both hands, Fran. You’re in an evolution towards the meaningful and purposeful.
I know what you mean about extrovert/shy. Even putting this website together has been a struggle against me wanting to talk about my accomplishments. I am trying to practice what I preach. I’ve accomplished as a result of who I am, and this website is just a progression in that direction. When I think of your professional notoriety in the states, and then going to Israel to have that all negated somehow — yeah. Boy. Interesting (tough, slamming) experience, that was. But it formed you, helped you. I know that.
I am sure there are many local causes that would give their eye teeth to have someone of your talent and caliber work with them. But you know, you are figuring it out, Fran, and whatever you decide to do will be right, because it will come from your soul.
Thank you so much for this post. It’s coming to just at the right moment. Well actually I could of used it four years ago but I say better late than never! I’ve just started a new job in my old field of work. The work that I did before moving to Italy. And it’s great in the sense that I’m doing or could be doing something that I’m good at and like. The people are great and I honestly feel a higher sense of satisfaction , I think, than from teaching. That said the owners of this company are toxic and abusive. They lie to get clients expect others to continue these lies and are verbally abusive. I heard on boss call another co worker stupid in front of the entire company. That all said is working ther reminded me that I do have skills and that I need to figure out a way to use them in a healthy and hopefully profitable way. I didnt realize that I am in the middle of this unpacking. You post really brought things to light for me. I’m still just taking things out and trying to figure out what they are but I’m in process. Thank you so much. What an amazing way to start my Saturday.
Nicole — I hope this stepping stone that you are on right now leads you in the direction you’re meant to go. The next step – one where you get to have the satisfaction of knowing you’re meant to do this kind of work but without the abuse factor. Thank you so much for coming and sharing, and I wish you wellness!
I am an adventurer. I seek adventure but desire the predictable. I am not my career but my career fits who I am. No day is the same but I know to expect that. I get to use both sides of my brain which I need. Most of all, I have found balance. Time off is just as important as time on. I still dream about other adventures but happy (thrilled) to be where I am and where I am going.
my backpack is packed the way that fits best.
Sparrow, to hear you talk this way warms my heart. I know what kind of journey you have been on the last few years! It’s been amazing, hasn’t it. Remember when we sat at the Dunkin Donuts at Newark Liberty Airport? I knew then that all what you had gone through wasn’t for nothing. You were just adding to your skill set, your base knowledge, and your talents. You rock, girlfriend, you really do. xoxoxoxo
I consider myself very fortunate to have met you and gotten to know you when I did. I was inspired, supported and gently guided by your insight more than you know.
and oh the irony…you and I, who seek/love good food and inspired environments…yet Dunkin Donuts at Newark will always be special. lol
Hi Diana,
My experience we are not any of the things we define ourselves as–whether it’s a job, a philosophy, or a description.
I had been a homeschooling Mom active in the community. I had friends and enjoyed entertaining. I thought I was earth-mother-y and spiritual. I had lots of ways I defined myself and it was often by what I believed–that I was a person who lived in alliance with Truth.
When my partner left–all of it crashed. The friends abandoned me. Without our social circle, my daughter chose school. I went to work and no longer had time to garden, or cook or smudge the house with sacred herbs. And most of all, I could see with absolute clarity that the Truth I had been chasing was a charade.
I began to wonder who I was.
In my story, it’s easy to say that I defined myself by homeschooling. Or by friendships. Or by sacred herbs. Or by all the little activities I did that made me feel so important.
But in my case, I was particularly foolish because I thought I was so wise that these exterior practices didn’t matter to me. I defined myself as someone who was deep enough to know that we are deeper than our exterior. I thought that often we define ourselves by how we express our beliefs in our daily life. This is important, of course, but not complete. I was someone who knew better.
And that was in fact, a definition.
In the end, I settled on not knowing who I am. I just try to live. I don’t worry if what I do is spiritual or earth-mother-y or community oriented or even rude. I walk life one step at a time and try not to look at myself taking those steps. I try not to make labels or explanations. And to the best of my ability, I try not to understand.
Julia
Hi Diana (again),
I’m sorry for posting twice but I hit send too fast. I wanted to also thank you for a thoughtful post and for sharing your experiences. Like you describe, times of change are powerful. When we think that we have lost everything, we find a lot. Thank you very much for sharing with me.
Julia
YES YES YES! Thanks for writing this really inspiring and honest personal post. I am an English girl living in France. I have never felt the same sort of culture-clash despair or loneliness as you did moving to Germany, but I have got to the point where I am fed up that the only work I can do here is barwork, due to the language barrier (even though I now speak fluent french – but I live in a village, and the choice is bar or tourist office…i’d prefer to be in a social environment!). I’ve now realised how to use my own skills to create work that I love, that uses my brain, and is meaningful. I did a TEFL course in June, so am now qualified to teach English, and will hopefully work with ski instructors in the winter wanting to improve their language skills. I also teach french to the English community here, as the good thing about all my bar work was how much french I got to speak, and I improved so much. I write my blog, and so many opportunities are coming from that, and also to promote the knitwear that I design and make – I feel like I am on the brink of some really interesting and great things, and your post reminded me to keep up the good work, and to be pro-active and use my strengths to my advantage
Katie. xxx